Monday, May 14, 2012
wooooooooooooooossssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goes the wind
The past few weeks..................I've been doing some self maintenance. Well, maybe more like complete rearrangement from the inside out. It's pretty hard to rearrange your insides, considering they're so stuck and wedged in tight little gooey places. Just when you think you know yourself, you really don't, and then when you do, all you can say is: "Holyfuck! This shit is crazy."
The farms are blissful for me. Trees, mountains, dirt; it's all aces in my book. It's my head that drives me mad, and the scenery doesn't seem to change that. I've challenged myself to a duel with....well, myself. Trying to address the parts of me that I'm not content with, the parts of me that are in such physical and emotional pain, the parts I sometimes feel like I have no control over, but want to learn how to control because really, I've got a lot of work to do in ways I didn't even know existed before. This way of life I've embarked on has opened a lot of doors, and I am a curious creature that has to open all of them. So I'm hopping around like a madman from door to door to door, creeping in, rolling around, singing songs, and bursting out and into the next one. It's been impossible to relax, and talking has never been so hard in my life. I took a day off from verbal communication a couple of weeks ago, and it was amazing. I felt no pressure, and still communicated well with everyone around me. This, I've decided, is of ultimate importance to me. Forcing each other to depend on words to communicate all the time is too much, and we forget how capable we are of understanding in other ways. There are days when I am completely consumed by pain in my whole body and fogginess in my head (thank you, chronic lyme disease, I think) that it feels like I will never heal and it's too hard. But really I just need to allow myself the time and attention to do just that; to heal. We can never neglect ourselves.
We have this conversation all the time with each other about what it's like to be the freaks. That is so say, what it's like to live outside of the "social norm," in the romping gypsy way that we do, and I've never been so disoriented in my whole life. Even though this feels more right than anything else I could be doing, I've felt confused and at a loss so much of the time. This, I can tell, will be an extremely important lesson if I can manage to finagle through it. There's something really powerful and humbling in putting yourself in the middle of chaos and just letting it ride to see what happens. I recommend this to everyone. So many people tell me they wish they were doing what we're doing, or don't think that they can. I think everyone should just do it in whatever capacity that means to them; step so far out of your comfort zone that it hurts, and then you can really know yourself. If we're always comfortable with who we are, how do we learn? What's the point?
It's not all daisies and roses all the time, but I don't think it'd mean much if it was. We plant, grow, blossom, whither, die, and become dirt for new birth. It's genuine.
O, and I'm learning to juggle!