Kalemonster here, again. Been awhile since I posted. It's been difficult to feel settled enough to collect my thoughts into any sort of cohesive/coherent nugget. This trip is a whirlwind...sometimes a soft breeze tousling my hair....other times a violent tornado threatening to dash everything to pieces. It sure ain't all unicorns and rainbows. More like vultures and storm clouds some days. Raw and exposed....the carrion birds plucking and picking at the existential decay....broken/useless baggage....that until recently had been rotting in the basement of my soul, undisturbed and forgotten....yet still ominously looming in the dank, dark recesses of the mind. Well, I suppose it's been something like Spring cleaning (how nauseatingly appropriate)....the cellar door thrust open, releasing a Pandora's box of insecurities, unfulfilled dreams, self-loathing, confusion, heartache, fear, searing pain......The lid is off and each demon is rearing it's disfigured head....a fun house-mirrored image of self. I struggle to decide if I should decapitate or just set it all free. Wrestling with myself....what to prune away and what to let be. I am lost. A child in the dark.
So this is what happens when you forsake all that society deems worthy - security, financial stability, material excess, personal space, a home - and jump on a space bus with six crazy people, destination nowhere/everywhere. All of the things I sought to leave behind are clinging to my ankles, dragging me down. I am kicking it all away but it is clawing, creeping back up my legs...closer and closer to my throat...threatening to strangle. I find myself reaching back to what I left. Wanting a home, desiring personal space, longing to be alone. Knowing that I can't go back but unsure if I want to move forward. Not knowing what "forward" really is.
The unraveling process is painful. When you first step off the grid, break out of the matrix, there is an initial thrill. Freedom! But as you continue on the path less trodden, you find that you were more entangled, ensnared in the system than you thought. The products of a programmed existence....the ramifications of conditioning....so laced into our subconscious.....seep into our newly liberated state of being. The glitch in the program - the one that our awakening caused - sends the whole program into a frenzy. It wants to right itself...the glitch is a virus...one that threatens to collapse the whole damn thing....so the program goes into overdrive trying to correct itself....to bring you back into unconscious complacency. As the awakened being becomes more and more conscious, brings more light into the darkness of the sub/unconscious, there is the realization that each of these layers is oozing with the stench of conditioning. And there is a battle to be fought on each of these fronts. A fight for control of the mind!
For so long we have allowed someone/something else to dictate our lives. We have allowed society/the government/the media/our parents/etc..tell us what to do, where to go, what to eat, what to wear, what to learn, how to learn, how to raise our kids, how to heal ourselves. We have allowed them to dictate our values, morals, religious beliefs, hopes, dreams, desires. Why? Because it's easier to have someone else figure it out for you. Because it's what our parents did and their parents did and their parents did. Because if we follow the prescribed path we will get a reward - a big house, lots of money, fancy cars, blah, blah. Because if I do something different people will think I'm "weird" or "crazy." Because it's just too damn hard and terrifying to figure it out for ourselves. But that's just what they want you to believe. Because the system thrives on conformity and complacency. Because the government and big corporations NEED people to buy into it so they can keep filling their fat pockets and their fat asses. It's all about money and power. And if you think it's about anything else, you are a damn fool. And I don't give a damn if anyone out there thinks I'm paranoid or crazy or a conspiracy theorist.....because all those things are true and then some. And I'm not trying to be a pretentious asshole either. But I'm tired of being quiet and I want anyone who is reading this to know...because I care. I could go on and on....but I think I've ranted long enough. That felt good.
Anyway, what I'm getting at here is that currently I am in the place where I have been "awake" long enough to realize that it doesn't just stop when you get out of bed. You have to keep waking up everyday. Every moment. I am realizing that the reason I feel so crazy and lost is because I'm doing something that is in complete opposition with what I "should" be doing. And sure I'm not the only person who have ever lived on a bus or taken a crazy road trip or done any of the "unconventional" things I choose to do. But it's fresh for me. I am on the road without a map....because the map doesn't exist...we are making it up as we go along and hoping for the best. And really...I am not really even on the road....I am more wandering through the woods...enjoying the scenery and hoping...and manifesting....to stumble upon a magic faerie world. Which I believe exists. Because I can create it. I can create any reality I desire as long as I believe I can. I am gathering all the bits of string and clover and pixie dust I need to conjure my dream into reality. And you can too. You just have to believe you can. And take a few risks. It's not as scary as you think. Any even thought everything is insane and I feel like my world is breaking apart right now...it's okay. Because I know that this all needs to unravel. And once the unraveling is over I will have a clean slate to start on. How beautifully freeing to be able to always start anew!
So if you feel shackled, if you feel enslaved, trapped, ensnared....if you don't feel free...then you should fucking do something about it! That's why I am on this bus. To be free and to help remind people that they can be too! And your freedom doesn't have to be as extreme as living on a bus and finding a space to start a sustainable community. It can be anything. If you have always wanted to learn how to play an instrument but never got around to it, then find a friend who knows how to play and have them teach you....or see if your local music shop offers classes. If you always wanted to travel but never had the time or money, then start saving NOW, or ask a close friend for a loan or do odd jobs for your neighbor to earn some extra cash.....take time off work/school/whatever and go! Because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow so you might as well be blissed out today. We are coming into a new era....and era in which we are in control of our destiny. We always have been. We just temporarily forgot that we did and let somebody else figure it out. But that is all ending. So I encourage every person in the world who might come across this blog to just be free today or take the first step towards freedom. True freedom. Not the false freedom that comes from living in a "free" country. But true personal freedom. It's yours. Just take it and be well! :)